The Fullmetal Alchemist Mary Sue Alphabet
by Jackie Coffey
Summary: A is for Abby, who's just ten years old...


Wow. I really do like writing these, don't I?

Well, disclaimer time. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. All the Mary Sue Alphabets I've written were inspired by Irony_chan's much better one, so I don't take credit for this idea, either. Any resemblance to any fanfiction or character is completely unintentional, except for the one for T, which was inspired by the _hilariously_ bad insult to both Harry Potter and the English language known only as My Immortal. I apologize if I insulted ayone. Special thanks to Kitty Fowl for proofreading this. I blame any spelling mistakes on my cat, who seems to enjoy walking across my keyboard.

And now, without further ado, I present...

**The Fullmetal Alchemist Mary Sue Alphabet**

**A** is for **Abby  
**Who's just ten years old,  
Yet a brilliant state alchemist,  
Or so we are told.  
The author didn't want Abby  
To be a Mary Sue  
So Abby is helpless  
From our point of view.  
But the characters think  
She's amazingly strong  
And in their minds,  
She can do no wrong.  
All she does is get rescued!  
It's really quite boring.  
I suppose that might be  
Why the readers are snoring.

**B**'s for **Brianna**,  
With long hair of gold.  
And her skill at alchemy  
Is a wonder to behold.  
She's got sapphire eyes  
That are occasionally green,  
And became a state alchemist  
At the age of thirteen.  
The "Sparkle Alchemist"  
Has never lost a fight.  
But her "flaw" (she's too pretty)  
Makes that totally all right.  
She wears beautiful dresses  
With sparkly lace,  
And it seems the main characters  
Have all been replaced.

**C**'s for **Christina**,  
Envy's twelve year old kid.  
I don't think the author knows  
Who her other parent is.  
She's a vampire catgirl  
And maybe a witch.  
Her hair is either black or silver.  
It has a tendency to switch.  
Now Christina's dating Ed  
And no one seems to care.  
The details that make sense  
Are becoming really rare.  
After chapter twenty-seven,  
The story was abandoned.  
The whole thing's one enormous  
Defilement of canon.

**D** starts the name of **Darcy  
**The ultimate Mary Sue.  
Darcy is a homunculus  
And a state alchemist too!  
She's got hair of gold and amethyst eyes,  
She's so talented it feels like a curse.  
She seems to control the power of love.  
But don't puke yet; it gets worse!  
She's got magical jewelry,  
A katana of gold,  
And she speaks twenty languages with ease.  
She's breathtakingly gorgeous (or so we are told)  
And her middle name is Japanese.  
The summary's bad,  
The story is worse,  
The grammar is melting my brain.  
I may not know who the author is,  
But there's really no way  
That she's sane.

**E **is for **Emma**,  
And we have been warned  
That Emma's the author  
In character form.  
Well, the author _says_ that she's Emma  
But somehow I doubt  
That fanboys follow the author  
Whenever she goes out  
All the boys are in love.  
Everyone's OOC.  
The girls think Emma should die  
(And I totally agree).  
Some wish fulfillment is one thing,  
But this is _annoying_!  
There isn't a plot,  
And it's really quite boring.

**F** is for **Faith  
**Who's incredibly mean.  
Is she a villain or a hero  
Or somewhere in between?  
For some reason  
Nobody even seems to care  
That Faith likes to kick puppies,  
Hurt people, and swear.  
They think that she's an angel.  
I have no idea why.  
It seems normal standards of friendship  
Don't even apply.  
And if you should point out  
No one would like such a jerk.  
You should probably hide.  
The author's gonna go berserk.

**G **is for **Gina**

The princess of somewhere.  
She's got natural pink highlights  
In her natural blonde hair.  
She's the Rainbow Alchemist,  
'Cause she's happy and glad  
And when she's in the area,  
_Nobody's _sad!  
She's got sparkles and rainbows,  
She's a friend to all living things.  
And when she's _really_ happy,  
She sometimes grows wings!  
She became a state alchemist  
At the age of thirteen.  
And whatever you do  
DO NOT GIVE HER CAFFINE!

**H** is for **Hannah  
**and I'm not sure why,  
but the rules of the universe  
don't seem to apply.  
Hannah couldn't be bothered  
With equivalent exchange.  
But nobody else in the story  
Finds that remotely strange.  
Hannah can see the future,  
And shapeshift, and glow.  
How does she do that with alchemy?  
I don't want to know.  
It doesn't make sense.  
Is she magic or not?  
There's hardly any logic,  
And even less plot.

**I** is for **Iris**,  
Whose long flowing hair,  
Is either blonde, red, or violet.  
Good thing I don't care.  
Her eyes are dark blue.  
Oops. Now they're bright green.  
And she became a state alchemist  
When she was twelve or thirteen.  
She might be Ed's sister,  
Or maybe they're cousins.  
She was abandoned as a child  
…or maybe she wasn't.  
The details keep changing.  
What the heck's going on?  
I haven't seen a detail reused  
Ever since chapter one.

**J** is for **Julie  
**Who isn't a Sue.  
She's got ADHD,  
And she's paranoid too.  
She's incredibly clumsy,  
And can't do anything right.  
She's painfully stupid  
And useless in a fight.  
Yet despite all her flaws,  
She still saves the day,  
'Cause everyone else's abilities  
Have all gone away.  
She's supposed to be normal.  
The worst kind of Sue.  
It's no wonder that nobody  
Bothers to review.

**K**'s for **Kiana**,  
(I know the name isn't normal,  
But it _totally_ fits,  
'cause it's pretty and formal.)  
She's got sapphire eyes,  
And long pure white hair  
(AN: that's not a Sue trait!  
She's a good character, I swear!)  
It seems every other sentence  
Is a note justifying  
Kiana's Mary Sue traits  
And the author's bad writing.  
I'd like to _ignore_ it,  
But everything she mentions  
Doesn't _justify_ the trait,  
It just demands more attention.

**L** is for **Layla  
**Who's so Sue-ish it's frightening.  
She's the storm alchemist  
Because she fights with lightning.  
She's got natural white highlights,  
And natural blue hair.  
She's completely invincible,  
And she thinks it's unfair.  
She just wants to be normal,  
She's so pretty it's a curse.  
She's the author in Mary Sue form,  
Which makes it much worse.  
She's sparkly and pure,  
And seems to have no flaws.  
And the canon characters do nothing  
But watch her in awe.

**M**'s for **M'Kayla  
**Who's name has punctuation.  
And the laws of grammar  
Seem to have gone on vacation.  
The spelling's so bad that it's painful  
For my poor, innocent eyes.  
After reading one sentence,  
Any English teacher would _die_.  
There's no plot, no grammar,  
And no paragraph breaks.  
I can't tell what the author _means  
_Through all the spelling mistakes.  
The author_ cannot_ be serious!  
How could this be accidental.  
Maybe the author's a monkey?  
Or maybe she's mental.

**N** is for **Nora**,  
Who's somebody's clone.  
Which apparently means  
She has to whine and moan.  
She spends the whole story complaining,  
So there isn't a plot.  
How much angst can there _BE_?  
Apparently a lot.  
Wait, who has a clone?  
I really don't know.  
We haven't found out  
Who to blame for Nora's woe.  
She cries for no reason,  
And it's really annoying.  
Who the heck wants to read  
A story so boring?

**O** is for **Opal**,  
A new state alchemist.  
She and Ed are "just friends",  
Although they've already kissed.  
There were three paragraphs  
To describe the event.  
And that description came after  
The author had spent  
At least half a chapter  
Describing Opal's clothes.  
Yet she's the only one  
To get this purple prose.  
Ed saving the universe  
Got just two sentences.  
Well, it's clear what the author's  
Priority is.

**P** is for **Paige**.  
That's the author's name too.  
And the author insists  
That Paige isn't a Sue.  
Yet Paige has lots of sparkles  
And powers galore.  
She's died four times  
In the course of one war.  
She's completely invincible,  
Which is getting annoying.  
She's amazingly talented  
And amazingly boring.  
She's flawless and perfect.  
She makes readers sick.  
And the author keeps asking  
Why no one likes her fanfic.

**Q** is for **Quinn**,  
And I'm not quite sure,  
The author understands what  
Mary Sue tests are for.  
Quinn has seven names,  
And color changing eyes.  
She can grow wings at will,  
Which explains how she flies.  
She's the Midnight Alchemist,  
and has a magical pet cat.  
She's completely perfect.  
(But we already knew that.)  
Okay, is the author trying to fulfill  
Every possible wish?  
Or did she use a litmus test  
As a checklist?

**R** is for **Rachel  
**And the reviewers won't quit  
Sending plenty of flames  
(Although she deserves it.)  
At the beginning of each chapter,  
The author goes on a rant  
About how it's okay for Rachel  
To do what other characters can't.  
"She brought _one_ person back to life!  
That's really not that bad!  
She's just really good at alchemy!  
Would you quit getting so mad  
About every single thing  
That Rachel can do?  
It isn't _my _fault  
You can't write this well too!"

**S** is for **Starlight  
**Who's author just doesn't get  
That it's _not_ a good name!  
And she seems to forget  
Whether Starlight's eyes  
Are bright green or pink.  
And why don't other characters  
Seem to know how to think?  
Starlight's a chimera.  
Part vampire, part bird  
(who cares that there aren't vampires  
In the Fullmetal Alchemist world?)  
She's got wings, fangs, and...claws(?)  
Look! She sparkles in the sun.  
Wait, but that came from Twilight…  
It's a crossover! RUN!

**T** is for **Tara  
**The author from Hell  
And please, please, _please  
_Will somebody tell  
This girl how to spell  
Her own character's name?  
There's at least ten different versions!  
No wonder she gets only flames.  
She can't seem to decide  
If her character's a vampire or not  
Although it doesn't really matter  
Since it doesn't affect the plot.  
Is the story for real?  
The author won't say.  
So come join the debate!  
Maybe we'll figure it out some day.

**U **is for **Umbra  
**Who's a Villain Sue.  
And she's taking over the world  
'Cause that's what most villains do.  
Nobody can stop her  
And no one will try!  
She's a homunculus (of course)  
So she never can die.  
She's psychotic, sadistic,  
And invincible too!  
Time for the final battle!  
So will someone please cue  
The deus ex machina.  
That's the end of this Sue…  
Wait, now she's a _good guy_?  
Now I'm so confused.

**V** is for **Vera  
**A fan of the show  
Who found herself in the story  
(How? We don't know.)  
She suddenly found out  
She's part-homunculus  
And is so talented at alchemy  
That she became a state alchemist.  
But the plot is the same  
As the plot of the show.  
So Vera will save the day  
Because she already knows  
How everything happens  
And just how to win.  
So there's no surprises. Ever.  
Just wish fulfillment.

**W** is for **Winry  
**Who's so OOC  
That though she's not an original character  
She may as well be.  
She's a state alchemist now  
'Cause she's just that good.  
She's stuck up and snobby  
And "misunderstood".  
She talks only in chatspeak.  
LOL! OMG!  
I gotta go save the world now!  
See ya soon! BRB!  
It seems that full words  
Have become overrated,  
Like, WTF R U thinkin?  
Spelling out wrds is outd8ed!

**X** is for **Xanthe  
**Who isn't a Sue.  
'Cause it isn't _her_ fault  
That she's better than you!  
Speaking five languages  
And having six names  
Does _not_ make her a Sue  
So please _stop_ with the flames!  
Yes, she sings like an angel,  
Plenty of people do.  
And, yeah, she's a teenage state alchemist.  
But hey, Ed is too!  
Every new "justification"  
Makes all the readers groan.  
I don't think the author's reality  
Corresponds to our own.

**Y** is for **Yasmin  
**Who has aqua colored hair  
Which you'd think would be odd  
And make everyone stare.  
But nope, they don't notice  
But that's probably because  
They've gotten makeovers too,  
So they don't even pause  
When they see her strange hair,  
And her bright purple eyes  
And the wings sprouting from her back  
Which explains how she flies.  
And Yasmin's sparkly long dresses  
Never get in the way  
Of her latest adventure  
And saving the day.

**Z** is for **Zoe  
**Who wasn't a Sue.  
She had good points and flaws,  
And weaknesses too.  
The story was brilliant,  
But too good to last.  
Now Zoe's a homunculus  
With a mysterious past  
Who doesn't have any flaws,  
And can shapeshift and fly.  
Now Zoe's invincible  
And never can die.  
The author was worried  
That the story was boring.  
It wasn't. It was awesome.  
But now the readers are snoring.


End file.
